When the moon fell in love with the sun All was golden in the sky

So, my birthday was yesterday. I started out feeling groggy, figuring it would get better when I got to practice. My knee had been hurting for the last two weeks, and has started to hurt more and more recently. The day before my stomach started in on not wanting to function entirely properly. I figured it was PMS related. So, at practice, my coach decided to *lovingly* have me row in a single with my other friend who is about the same pace, against two coxed fours, and a double. We began to panic hysterically, as the coach told us that we would be doing two 30 minute long pieces, one upstream, one down, and that my friend and I were starting behind a 1/2 mile, and were expected to not only catch the bigger boats, but get ahead, and stay ahead. 30 minutes later finds us at the 9 mile marker, extremely tired, and over heating in spandex shorts and sports bras. On the way downstream, knee hurt bad, did not catch double until halfway through piece. never caught the fours because bigger boats move faster downstream, and they got too big of a head start. way too big. I tried to stay with my friend, so we could encourage and push each other- a good system. but we were so dead coming into dock. so, so dead. the first person, outside my family, to say happy birthday to me was my doubles partner. I got home, had to go out on my bike up hill to the grocery store for bisquik because my younger brother demanded pancakes, had to MAKE pancakes, and after eating two, felt like I was going to be sick on top of horrible cramps. the time being 11, i sat in front of a fan for 15 minutes trying to cool off, as I could feel the heat radiating off me. ended up falling asleep by 11:30, slept through lunch, and did not wake up until four, were upon I spent the next 2 hours before dinner in a daze, and still with stomach pain. I had been drinking ridiculous amounts of water all day. and I still had a huge headache. yesterday was pain overload day, seriously. after dinner and cake, I once again felt the strong urge to puke, but did not.

then my friends called, singing happy birthday into the phone. I was so happy for like, 3 minutes. the best 3 minutes all day. and then they began demanding that I get over to their side of the river, saying that they were too tired from walking around all day, and that they had no way of getting over to my house. after trying to explain that I had to ride over, which would be 20-25 minute drive, they tried to get me to take transit. this would involve a lot of painful, limping-filled walking. and a fourty-five minute bus ride just to get there. having tried to explain that I had not felt well all day, and that walking would hurt, they began to tease, and slightly plead. then I started getting yelled at. I tried my best to hold my voice over the phone, and, after hearing them say they'd call back later, we hung up.

and then I began to cry.
because I was angry at them for not listening.

Because they said they called multiple times, but their calls were not on the caller ID, which would have showed up if they had.

because my cruddy day was getting worse.

because For the first time in ten years, I was home on my birthday, and I might as well have not been, since no one called until it was too late. because my friends decided to do something without calling me and asking if I wanted to do something. because they sounded like they were having so much fun without me,

and I felt so alone, and like an outsider with my own best friends.

and I still felt sick. and my knee still hurt. and I still had a massive headache. and felt like I had a fever.

and then when i finally fell asleep, I kept waking up. In pain. I was awake more often than I was asleep. and today, my knee was even worse, to the point that a light touch hurt like someone had just broken something.

and when I tried to express my feelings about the aforementioned day to one of my friend, she just emailed back saying that she did not want to deal with my sudden "mood and behavior", without even saying why she was so upset.

I mean, friends tell each other when they hurt, and things go wrong, right? Now I feel guilty about sending her an email, but I mean, its not like they ever called back.

and the friend just... flew off the handle.

And I sincerely meant that I hoped she had had fun at a con, and that I had hoped that the three of them had fun yesterday earlier in the day.

I am so hurt, lost, and confused.

thankfully, my stomach functioned mildly better today, although holding down breakfast was a battle. and I go into the doctor tomorrow.

I just wish that I knew what was wrong.

would it be okay for someone to tell me for once what is going on so that I am not always the last one to know? I mean, how am I supposed to help my friends if they won't tell me what's wrong??

I found out yesterday, after coming home from Crew, that one of my classmates had drowned while up north on a camp trip.

I miss her so much, because she would ALWAYS greet everyone with a smile. She loved life, and people. And she loved us.

And she was always cheery, no matter what.

We're a senior class of about only 60.

That number just went down by one more.

And we all feel kind of lost without her.

It's so weird to think she won't be there next year. In fact, I do not want to face that reality.

God, I miss her.

So, I had my first summer regatta of the season yesterday. It went AMAZINGLY!

My doubles partner and I got 4th, behind 2 of our boats, and one Minneapolis. Duluth ate our wake. And we'd only practiced 3 times, in mostly shitty weather.

My four was beating our A boat up until the last 300 meters of the race, and we were consistent the entire way through. and they didn't pass us until 100 meters. And we had the heavier boat(a bowloader) and the heavier coxswain. Go figure.

Our eight kicked ass, although I wasn't in that race. It was a fantastic weekend. I feel super happy.

As the end of your school year is here , fill out this survey according to all of the things you have accomplished..
-Changed hair colors? nope. it bleached out by sun-exposure, though. not too unusual.

-Discovered a new talent? Oh yeah. I can make people quake in fear.

-Do you have a boyrfriend/girlfriend? yes

-Broken up with somebody? yes

-Met someone you can't live without? yes. It hurts to be apart.

-Was this year the best year so far? yes, and no.

-Made a lot of friends? eh... deepened a few.

-Fail a class? no. I am too much of a perfectionist for that

-Hate a teacher? oh yes. with a passion *cough*adkins*cough,cough*

-Get in any fights? just a couple. not physical though... prolly should have smacked a couple of people.

-Fist fight? see above.

-Gain any new friends? sort of.

-Lose any old friends? yeah.

-Gone to a movie with a friend? uh huh

-Lost a family member? yes.

-Get any taller? nope. still a shorty at 5'3''

-Know someone that graduated from high school? most of my friends *sulks in a corner*

-Cut your hair? yep.


-Hug more than 3 different people?oh yes

-Tell someone you love them and mean it? Yes, as in the affirmative, "I love you with my life. Do not leave me."

-Went to a fair? ren festtttttttttt

-Dated/"talked to" someone you wished you hadn't? eh....... sort of.

-Hated someone of the opposite sex? oh yes.

-Hated someone of the same sex? .... That demands a, "No shit, sherlock"

-Saw a kiddie movie at the theaters? Ha ha, for once, no.

-Spent most of your year watching tv? Not really.

-Read a book? Many, many books, as it were.

-Sat through something boring? "Depressing Issues of Human Suffering" says it all.

-Drove a car? Not yet. Soon, though.

-Regret something you did? Who doesn't, once in a while?

and good God does it hurt like hell.
Right now, I could kill someone.

The weather, as much as I love thunderstorms, is screwing me over.

Practice was horrible.

Had a pointless day cooked up inside.

And then my date did not.. go so well?


First his mother decided he has attitude issues, appreciating what he has. Then his dinner got postponed into the time he was supposed to pick me up... so it started 45 minutes late. He had to be home at ten because of issue one. meaning I only had until 9:30. Then his father calls and tells him to come home a half-hour early.

And, as I said, I hate the weather right now. It's making me irritable, because it reminds me of him, whom I cannot seem to have physically with me. I have practice all day, and he works 8:30-4 anyways. The only time we have during the week is after dinner, and right now that's getting ruined because of the weather and his mother's misperceptions of sorts.

It hurts because I know he'll be at college next year, so I won't have him then, but god, what an awful summer this seems like, right now....

Shitty weather. No time with the people I want to be with.

At least during school, I got to see these people.

It is days like these where I feel like screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!"- just like Sarah does in Labyrinth....

Well, I still find myself missing him, but...

I guess being apart from him is like being apart from my best friend- he fills a part of me that nothing else does. But, its more than that.

Does anyone else find the smell of how it smells after it has rained amazing, refreshing, and endearing? That the air feels lighter, like it has just cleaned your soul?

And how the build-up to the thunderstorm that gives all the rain is one big, unbearable build-up, with a ton of pressure, where the humidity is so high that you cannot breathe?

That's him.

and what's more, that's how the boy smells, too.

Somedays, my soul cries out for rain, even when I know it will make other things horrid. A thunderstorm at night cures all ails.

And sometimes, when it occurs, I feel like he's next to me- a peculiar feeling, to be sure.

But, then again, everything feels better, and, just for a little bit, everything is right with the world.