When the moon fell in love with the sun All was golden in the sky

last night, we had our first rainstorm of the year(all others before, if any, didn't count since we still had snow 2 weeks ago), and, as i am wont to do on such occasions, i went out into the rain, and splashed in the puddles. in my barefeet. and i danced in the rain. i have to admit, that probably made me feel on top of the world last night. i danced for my friend too, since she's back in arizona, and has not the luck we did of having rain last night. i know she would have loved to go out with me, and enjoy the warm air, the nice breeze, and the wonderful rain. dancing in the rain made me feel like i was... clean again. like it washed away everything, and just left me. this is not a feeling i get too often, especially when i'm by myself. and while i danced, i sang. i sang my heart out, because i knew no one could hear me, no one would yell at me for being off key. no choir directors, no peers, just me. leveling myself, and letting all my pent up feelings out. while i sang, loudly, and probably the best i'll ever sing, since i didn't have to sing in front of a room full of people, i thought about my friend. my friend that's been through almost everything with me. sometimes i wonder if maybe i had tried harder, whether she would be in the mess she's in. and then i think: you did try. you tried your damn hardest. you know it wasn't your fault, so why do you keep beating yourself up over this? just love her like you always have, and it will be okay. she'll turn out fine in the end. you just have to believe in her, and never give up on her. stay by her side, and be the friend you know she needs. don't be a fairweather friend, like some people she knew. just chill, and be who you are. she'll appreciate it more than anything else. and then i got to thinking: you know, she needs you now. be strong for her. she helped you through all your stupid mistakes. now its your turn to step up to the plate, and bring her home.

lately i have to wonder if i've been myself, or maybe when she's not here, i sort of.. unhinge a bit, and get off kilter. it always made me happy to see her smiling. sometimes she never seemed happy, like this one guy that goes to my school. he never seems really happy the maority of the time, unless he's with any of the girls. he doesn't hang out with guys much, and it makes me wonder about all those people out there you see in day to day life, who put on their mask everyday, just hoping to make it through the day, so they can go home, and maybe try to reassemble who they really are, and reconcile with their state of being, physically, mentally, everything. i, sadly, find that even though i try not do it, i still have my mask. my classmates don't always look past the barrier, and sometimes, i dont think i even want them to. most of the time, i'd rather just be outside in a field of grass, laying there, either in the sun, or in the rain, letting all my problems unravel to people i know aren't there, and possibly crying my heart out. some people think they know what it means to be depressed, to feel sad. the truth is, is that they have such a good life, they don't have a screwed up family, or have to see a psychologist/ therapist, for the problems they have inside. they just think they're being oppressed. they're misfits, their parents dont love them because they can't go to a party, or go out with such and such guy. most of them try to be rebellious, in a way to get what they think they deserve, and are being denied by their parents. sadly, most of them dont realize until later that their parents tell them no because they care, and dont ever want to see them get hurt. it is an unbelievably sad thing when a parent has to bury their own child, before that child has truly lived life. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i had a NORMAL life. then i realize that, if something hadn't happened in my childhood, i wouldn't be who i am today. i wouldn't have made friends with people that i have, wouldn't have had circumstances that have proved to me that i'm not old enough for somethings. i might just be like everyone else.

this has always been a thought that disturbed me. what if i where just like all those teen drama queens, whose obsession in life is to have huge boobs, have size 0 pants, and get laid before i'm out of highschool. to be a cheerleader, miss popularity, date the captain of the football team. i just couldn't see myself ever being that way, and i don't think i could ever be okay with t. i like being an individual, and not like everyone else. sure, sometimes i realize i'm a bit unhealthy, and i want to correct, but, really, i'm usually ok with my appearence. sure, i joke with my teammates about my "flab abs", but its all in good fun. its never like we're serious about it. and i think thats just the way it should be.

on a different note, i'm always mystified by God's inane(... there's another word, but right now i can't think of it)sense of humor.
almost every year, with out fail, its sunny, and beautiful on my baby sisters birthday. 10 days earlier, almost without fail, it never is nice outside, on the day she died. on the day my little sister was laid to rest, it was cold, miserable,and it was raining. almost like the heavens themselves were grieving. i'll never understand this peculiar phenonmena of the weather, but for every year its sunny on her birthday, i'll be grateful. this year, she would have been 14, and nearing highschool. oh how life doth screw us all over, be ever the bitch.

but y'know, if life wasn't a bitch, where'd the fun be in trying to foil it at every turn?

Life Is Like A Boat- Rei Fu
Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne